reading what my therapist thinks about me

and new moon intention setting

Have you ever read a document of what your therapist really thinks about you?

Because before last week I’d have to say no.

But consider that now crossed off the bucket list!

As a family med PA, I write assessment and plans all the time. In fact, I write one for every patient I see. Though of all my years in the therapy seat, I’ve never received one from a therapist.

There was a singular time that a therapist asked what I thought my diagnosis was (this was likely for insurance purposes). I was surprised by this as I hadn’t yet really thought of it before.

“Adjustment reaction with mixed anxiety/depression?” I feebly offered up as if posed as a question.

This took it a step further.

I was minding my sweet business last weekend when I received an email that my therapist uploaded a new document to the portal. Unassumingly, I clicked on over and realized that the document was an assessment and treatment plan that I was meant to sign.

In the note from my new therapist were two diagnoses and the presenting symptoms and behavioral actions that reflected these diagnoses. And then a proposed treatment plan to better track measurable changes.

My eyes skimmed the page.

“trouble concentrating, low motivation, low self-esteem, anxiety, fear”

And a little lower:

“racing thoughts, shame and blame”

WELL THEN!! Greetings, exposure therapy!

This post is about exploring if I feel like these observations resonate. Sure I’m exploring my gut reaction to the document, though on a larger scale, I’m surveying how easy it is to cling tight to old thought patterns and narratives (especially when meeting with new therapists), and how to know when to let that former version go.

Relevant posts:

It is no secret that I was diagnosed with OCD and medicated with SSRIs when I was in elementary school.

And lately I’ve been wondering if my hyper-fixation on work, needing things to be done in the exact “right” way, is a latent manifestation or sequelae of that.