examining values

growing out of old values and stepping into new

It’s Tuesday morning. I began the morning with a 30 minute Range class called Home, followed by 10 minutes of breath work and a meditation from a series on Insight Timer titled Coming Home to Yourself.

Before this sequence of mindful events, I felt lethargic and crumbly, like stale bread. And I ended with a new degree of malleability and softness. Reinvigorated.

I took a deep breath, feeling centered.

And then reflexively logged onto social media and felt my shoulders creep up to my eyebrows. New tension flooded my pelvic floor.

From spacious to clenched in a matter of moments.

Why did I just do that???

And more realistically - how often do I do this on a day to day basis? Create space and reset just to fill it with new tension.

After writing last week’s post, I’ve continued reflecting on the why behind behavior change.

I’m reminded of a conversation I had with a new friend, Martha, during the MeTreat. She’s a licensed mental health counselor and death doula, and we were talking about end of life care. She mentioned that she has a written document detailing that if her memory starts to change, she’s comforted by nature and sunlight as well as the smell of baby powder or her mother’s perfume.

WOW

I was immediately struck by this knowing. This thoughtful curation and deep well of familiarity for self.

I brought it up in therapy shortly thereafter.

“Some people just have such a strong sense of self. An effortless knowing. And I feel like I’m not one of those people,” I said.

She then proceeded to ask me about my own values, mentioning a Brene Brown exercise in the process.

I felt myself cringe and immediately zone out.

I don’t really have any interest in perusing a list of adjectives curated by a sensationalized spiritual guru and choosing which two or three resonate. Not to say I have anything against this person; I admittedly don’t know much about their work. But this feels like therapy 101.

“No! I’m in the advanced class!,” I wanted to gently remind her (read: scream)

I didn’t feel like I needed to revisit this.

“I would highly encourage you to do this,” she said an additional two or three times.

After the session finished, I felt a wave of stubbornness wash over me. Well I absolutely won’t be doing that!

But as time progressed, I started thinking about my friend Martha again. And even more so about values and actions. More specifically, acting in alignment with values.

When I got down to specifics of what I value most, the folder I keep deep within some organizational brain sulci felt hazy and ambiguous. It was only after reflecting on New Year’s intentions that I felt it may make sense to jot down the overarching category of value, and acknowledge which of my own actions are falling into and out of those categories.

When going through the process, and talking about it in therapy, I realized that I’m straddling two sets of values.

While I was eye rolling making my way through the values list, the ones that I felt reflected me most were achievement, contribution, efficiency, recognition, and ambition/success.

That feels (at least somewhat) true for the last 10 years of my life.

Though I’ve been feeling a big pull that the values that got me to where I am, and the values that are engrained and encouraged in my professional life, aren’t the values I see myself moving toward. Or aren’t the values I want to hold in a long-term way.

So this post is an exploration of values. Of acknowledging the old, and moving towards something new and different.

When speaking of values and actions, the wildfires and devastation in LA is top of mind right now. I am trying to stay afloat of updates, checking on friends, thinking deeply of all of those affected by this tragedy, and donating. I have thus far donated to friends personally as well as: World Central Kitchen and Mutual Aid LA.

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