April showers + flowers

and a summer bucket list!

Apr 28, 2024

I got a text from a friend this week that she has a wedding coming up on May 2nd, meaning next week.

I thought she was being hyperbolic and then looked at a calendar.

NEXT WEEK IS MAY LOL?!

And with that, the 2024 Q1 season has come to an end.

If you’re like me and don’t work in a field that uses Q1 as part of their vernacular, don’t fret. It just means 1/3 of the year is over.

Let that one sink in!!!

The first quarter of this year was a bit of a slog. I don’t know about you but I’m ready to come alive again. I’m ready for birds chirping and gel pens and Lisa Frank paraphernalia (metaphorically speaking on the Lisa Frank thing - literally speaking about the gel pens and birds chirping).

As I shared in last week’s newsletter, I think some part of recovering from burnout is slowing down and nurturing spirit - big time pause and process. Though another equally important part is silliness and fun and unseriousness. And that’s what I want this summer to be.

This will be challenging for me because my job is so serious and that’s where my brain so naturally wants to land and stay. I won’t bore you with the details but with a few physicians being out for holidays and school vacations, accompanied with having to make up hours because I went over my PTO - the last 2 weeks have been ROUGH.

Like just stand in the shower for an hour and stare at the wall kind of rough.

Extra coverage, minimal no shows, socially and medically complex patients, long wait times to see specialists, extra forms to fill out - you know the drill. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day to adequately do this job. Whereas I once was so hyper focused on not finishing work until the job was “done” (notes signed, inbox empty), I realized 1. I’m missing out on my own life and 2. there’s a big illusion in ‘just’ - and most often there is no way to ‘just’ do it all every day.

It leaves me feeling frazzled, fragmented, and frenetic.

I did a full heart to heart voice note describing it here (my first ever mini solo podcast!!!)

I always feel it’s important to name that the actual patient care is a gift and a joy. That is not at all what I would describe as rough. It’s all of the ancillary behind the scenes work and fighting with insurance companies that is absolutely exhausting and at times morally injurious. This post sums it up nicely.

Given work has been heavy, I think the antidote for that is buoyancy and fun.

So here’s what I have so far on my Summer bucket list.

Remember what I said about gel pens?? Best investment of 2024 thus far.

Hopefully this will balance out the home buying process, too. In case you missed it, Mike and I have started this journey and that too feels weirdly so serious?

The market in Boston borders on absurd, and each open house has felt swarmed and teeming with people. It’s hard to visualize ourselves living somewhere when there are that many other people around. We have a few neighborhoods we’re interested in and ideally would love to find something by the time our rent is up in September. But we’re taking it slow and trying not to feel rushed through the process.

We’ve seen some decent ones and we’ve seen some harrowing ones. Just this week, we saw one that was exorbitantly expensive that needed an enormous amount of work. And walked away feeling like we should start looking outside the city (even though we really don’t want to live outside the city!!!).

But then we saw another we really liked and came close to putting in an offer (!!!), but ultimately decided to keep riding the wave. It’s hard to know if something better or different will come around, though at this point we have a little flexibility; we genuinely love this rental. It’s been the perfect spot to start our living journey together.

Just going to try and remember how exciting this process is. Like what, you just walk into a place and think ‘I could live here?!’ How weird is that. And also OH do I love an open house. To get see what’s out there and how others have decorated their homes. BIG BUBBLY BLISS!

Unfortunately, my nervous system so easily attaches stress to high energy, and I need those gentle reminders that while stress and excitement have the potential to land in similar ways, they’re very different!

So work and moving have potential to be showers, though I’m doing my best to keep the flowers blooming.

Just this week:

I’ve had big hugs from patients who I adore and have gotten to know over the years
I laid in bed on Tuesday afternoon to do some admin work with the window open, Red snoozing next to me, and birds gloriously chirping
Mike told me he did laundry and saw “skiddies” on my underwear and I had to tell him (through tears) it was actually old period stains - hilariously humiliating
coming home to see a Grape OliPop in the fridge (the internet seems so into Poppi but Idk I’m an OliPop gal through and through)
picking up a new book at the library that a patient recommended to me (The Death of Vivek Oji by Akwaeke Emezi)
starting a book club for Quench subscribers!!!! We’re still ironing out the details, but you can find more info on that here
Recording my first mini podcast!!! An absolutely spontaneous decision this morning LOL
I was grocery shopping this morning and I witnessed a woman go out of her way to get someone a shopping cart. It was just the kindest exchange amongst strangers
This gorgeous bed of flowers in bloom in a neighbors yard

I’m most proud of leaning in to fun and feeling again. In a profession where things have the potential to make me feel so robotic (see more patients, write more notes, respond to more messages, fill out more forms, call more people back, interpret more results - more, more, more, faster, faster, faster), I took some time on Tuesday to really feel.

I had a really challenging patient interaction where they revealed a traumatic part of their history for the first time. I was in an intense multitasking headspace, thinking of jumping into action mode and how I could finish the note in time to send the person to the emergency department. And how I would quickly transition to my next patient, who I was then 30 minutes late for due to the complexity of the case.

This is what the current system teaches and engrains - rushing through to get to the next. No time for a sip of water let alone an extra 30 minutes with a patient.

And instead I chose to pause and be. To sit and cry with the patient. To let things linger in the air rather than rushing to fill the space.

I shared last week that I’m now viewing this idea of pause as kindness.

There will always be things that feel urgent and that I have on my to-do list. I don’t expect any radical big change in my life anytime soon, and I can’t keep holding on to the idea of ‘just.’ If I just drop a few more hours, if I just finish my internship, if I just finish notes or get through my inbox, then everything will get better.
Taking a moment to pause with a patient or with myself even when I feel incredibly busy is kindness embodied. It is such a gift, whatever that pause entails - a listening ear, a breathwork practice, a walk, a meal, a coffee with a friend. This is the JUICE. That is actually LIFE. Like good, meaningful living is pausing and presence in the pause to really be, either with self or others, despite and in the face of urgency culture.

Here are some other things that elicited juicy pause this month:

Sights:

I’m admittedly in a bit of a reading rut, though here are some Substacks I’m loving;

Up to Date by Samah Dada (a dear friend)
The River House by Samantha Demarkles (another dear friend)
Untame Yourself by Amrit-Sadhana Boyd - certified nervous system and trauma coach who offers not just stunning writing but also a podcast!!
Burnt Toast by Virginia Sole-Smith: an anti-diet, fat positive community about body liberation.
The Molehill by Viv Chen: because I’m trying to wear more color and learn the art of shopping vintage
Nedra Nuggets by Nedra Glover Tawwab - mental health and relationship info in an easily digestible form

Sounds:

Radical Compassion by Tara Brach. I listened to this on Spotify and I absolutely loved it. It was topical and such a lovely thing to have going on in my ears before clinic. Listening to this on my walk in and walk home really helped me process and transform caustic and criticizing language into a tone that’s more rooted in care and compassion.

Beyonce’s album, Cowboy Carter. I can’t. stop. listening. This album is just genius start to finish. Even weeks after its debut, it still slaps.

Chappel Roan’s album The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess. Kind of a mix between Olivia Rodrigo and Lady Gaga. Pop grunge at its finest.

Smells:

Kandu Amber Sandalwood : a friend got this for me for my birthday and I’m trying to be very careful as to how often I’m lighting it. I want to savor it forever!! It’s gentle and grounding. Somehow both uplifting and calming.

I’m also transitioning out of my cold season perfumes (a sentence I never thought I’d say or type). Last year, I was really invested in finding my signature scent. And I ended up finding a few that I really loved. Now that the weather’s creeping up into the 60s (it’s 62F outside right now! ah!), I’m leaning into scents that feel brighter. My favorites ones for spring and summer are Salt and Gypsy Water.

A note about perfumes. They are EXPENSIVE. I always buy the smaller one because I end up using such a small amount. I’d highly encourage that!

Feels:

SPRING CLEANING!!! I worked from 10-2 yesterday (my clinic is now requiring some Saturday sessions, though in fairness you get to swap it with one of your weekly sessions). I was feeling drained and sometimes I think a little antidote for fatigue is making more space. My sister came over after my televisits and helped me clean out…everything. Not only this, but she brought me food, braided my hair, gave me a massage and took me for a walk. It felt so entirely lovely to be nurtured in this way.

Microneedling: I got this done for the first time earlier this month, as it’s something I’ve been interested in for awhile. I’m trying to optimize my skincare this year before potentially transitioning to Botox (maybe? who knows?? kind of considering???). I went to Skin Studio in Brighton and saw Irina. A numbing agent was applied to my face first and the procedure itself only lasted 10 minutes or so. It was pretty painless despite horror shows of ‘after’ photos I’ve seen with people’s faces bleeding. My face was mildly red the first day, though largely back to normal the day after. I went to work and no one made any comments and that’s typically a good litmus test. It takes 6-12 months to really see results, though my skin definitely feels brighter and some of the sun spots are lighter. More updates to follow!

Tastes:

Baleia - this is a new restaurant in the South End and I so desperately wanted to love it. Idk lately I feel like I haven’t really been *wowed* by Boston food. The ambience was stunning and it definitely is a cool spot to grab a drink, mocktail, or bite at the bar. I had one of their mocktails and loved it! We ordered the Portuguese sweet rolls with chamomile butter and I would consider going back for those alone. Also really enjoyed the grilled mushrooms and lamb shank. We ordered the octopus carpaccio and sliders as well, and they were just okay in my opinion. The hype for those two dishes specifically was BIG and perhaps that’s playing a role here. Can’t stop thinking about that bread tho.

Tomato pasta recipe - This was super simply and oh so tasty. Add it to your weekly line-up!

Mylk labs oatmeal - Last weekend, Mike and I went to a wedding and got up early Sunday morning to leave because we wanted to hit a few open houses. This oatmeal cup was available in the lobby and I was so pleasantly surprised. Not only is the ingredient line-up stellar, but a small woman-owned business! I went on their website and found this link for 15% off. This is not even remotely sponsored; they have no idea I exist LOL. Just trying to give more love to small business that are doing cool things!!

Okay and on that note, off to enjoy the rest of my Sunday.

A few queries if you feel like answering: