the seduction of suffering

and ONE YEAR on Substack!

You know those visceral moments of realization where it’s like waking from a trance and saying, “wait am I the problem?”

Nearly a year ago, this was me. I got curious about burnout and this careful difference between fulfillment and contentment. While the lens and angle was initially exploring this in healthcare, the outpouring of messages I received from others suggested this feeling wasn’t isolated to those in medicine.

It seems we are all collectively struggling. Some of it (most of it if we’re being honest), is imposed societally. Though for me, some of it was the repeated neural pathway of a knee jerk reaction. It’s where my brain and body so easily and unfortunately naturally gravitate towards due to the nature of my profession and perfectionism.

For example.

Last Thursday, I had a day. It was an AMAZING day - I was connecting with patients; I felt so truly present.

Though, as always, it was a busy day. I didn't have any no shows, and at the end of the day I had about 90% of my notes to write. And given the busy-ness, I wasn’t able to really glance into my inbox. Usually I’ll try to stay 30-60 minutes after clinic to finish things up, but I had already run so behind that I was ravenous and just wanted to be home.

And when I got home, I *froze in couch* and had no decisions left in me to make.

Do I shower or do I eat or do I meditate or do I self care or do I write notes or do I tackle my inbox or do I answer emails or do I respond to texts or do I edit/post/create social media content or do I continue to *freeze in couch*?

Ahh!

I thought I would feel better if I did a few notes, so I showered and tippity typed away. After finishing, because my brain was in such a place of frenetic overstimulation, I then craved more overstimulation. Like attracts like, after all. So I crawled into bed with my nose inches away from the screen, scrolling and scrolling and scrolling until my eyes finally fluttered closed.

The sleep was fitful, and I went about the next day with a boulder on my chest. It was the same sensation that I felt in school, after school, and working through the pandemic. The body so easily remembers that stored feeling and brought it right back to the surface.

And my brain followed suit. An anxious and overstimulated body created an inner dialogue of more anxiety and overstimulation, easily reactive with heavy sprinklings of self-criticism.

“I’ll just wake up early tomorrow morning and finish my notes and then get to all of the results. Omg I’ll never be able to fully catch up. And I need to remember to fill out that form for that other patient. OH MY GOD insurance companies are so bullshit; I can’t believe this is part of the job. OH WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT OTHER THING. Ugh I can’t remember anything anymore why I can’t I remember anything. Am I just a bad provider? I think I’m a bad provider??!! Wait I meant to call back my sister to catch up. I should plan to see my grandparents or plan a date night but I haven’t had time because I’m so bogged down with work. Okay if I just work through the night, maybe after today I can catch up on emails and content and newsletter writing and internship. FUCK I can’t get to the things I actually want to do because my work as a PA is endless even despite dropping my hours.”

Oh how familiar this sounds.

I’ve had an eerily similar rendition of the above for the last 3.5 years. And even despite all the inner work, I’m still so quick to repeat it.

I thought I was ready to be done with burnout. But it’s more complicated than that. Especially if all of the triggers are still right there, hovering so close, ready to adhere at any moment.

Though my reactions are getting a bit closer to responses, likely due to the self-exploration I did over the last 12 months. And while I am still entirely a work in progress, I did learn a great deal this year that I found helpful.

This newsletter is a recap of the year, sharing which of my now 47 (!!) newsletters were my favorite, specific resources of things that helped the most (podcasts, meditations, mantras, books), and where I plan to take the newsletter moving forward.

Thank you for being on this ride with me. I am truly endlessly grateful for your support.