march madness + sadness

spring, please hurry

I’ve never been a fan of March. I often rank it as my 12th favorite month. The craving for spring intensifies and yet it just rains all the time. So much darkness and dampness. Please!! We want buoyant light and tulips and warmth!!!

I feel the way about March as I feel about this current chapter of my life. I am firmly ~in it. I have all the things I once dreamed of - the career, the relationship, the dog (hi Red), and yet there are still some things that feel firmly in the category of almost or just.

And even more so, I’m just a bit too busy to really enjoy any of these things.

Right before I gave a lecture to a local mental health office earlier this week, I could feel myself saying, “ugh the day’s almost over, I just have to get through this next hour and then can be horizontal in front of the tv.”

How awful is that!!! This amazingly cool opportunity that I prepared months for - an amalgam of all of my passions rolled into one - and I wanted to get it over with and get through it. Some of this was nerves taking over with a sprinkle of self-doubt creeping in.

Or perhaps it’s because I’m a little past the point of comfort in the booked and busy department if I’m being honest. I kind of expected to feel this way going into this beast of an internship. It’s a 1000 hour internship total, and that’s on top of my work as a PA, content creator, and newsletter writer. Luckily the people I’m doing the internship with are chill as hell so it’s definitely a go at your own pace kind of vibe.

I’ve been getting a bit down lately with how much time is dedicated to work. And not having the energy to explore other hobbies or for presence. It’s always been easier for me to rush through and get through rather than be fully present for.

This feeling - full to the brim to the point of feeling nearly empty - is one that I hear echoed on a daily basis in my patient care encounters as well. Nearly every person I talk to is facing an extraordinary amount of stress with unrealistic pressure and expectations from external sources. From mothering to marketing it feels like everyone collectively is going through it, without much bandwidth or focus for pause and replenishment. Or even just for enjoyment.

Is this just what life is like in 2023? Is it the nature of the work, or has the work forced us all into attentionless drones that it’s hard to have the energy to do things that feel good? Do we even know how to feel good anymore? Have our brains lost those receptors? (Am I just depressed??)

(I realize this is swinging way too far in the complainy direction, but bear with me, we take a hopeful turn soon.)

I bring this up not to be hopelessly existential, though more so that regardless of what your day-to-day looks like, most people feel like they’re trapped in this pressure cooker. I see a broad demographic of folks and regardless of age, gender, SES, and ethnicity, this message comes up over and over again.

If you, too, feel like this, please know you are absolutely not alone.

I’ve been wondering how I can make this chapter feel a bit less cramped while knowing my life probably won’t change all that significantly in the near future, at least for the next year as I’m finishing up this internship.

And how can I thoughtfully set boundaries and say no more often? While also knowing how to say yes to the things that are fulfilling?

In this month alone I said yes to speaking with a pre-PA group at a local college, giving a lecture at a psych office about using nutrition to positively impact mood, and developing curriculum at work for the comprehensive weight management program (I’m hoping to be the voice of a mindful/intuitive eating lens in this space, rather than it being solely medication focused).

I love the idea of these opportunities, though continuing to say yes to them means I have to say no to things in my personal life. (Why is it so very hard to prioritize personal over professional?)

Each and every week I tell myself, this week will be better! Things will slow down! And each and every week they don’t. It’s pathological!!!

Some of this is also internal frustration because I have things on my long-term to do list that don’t feel feasible. I have two e-book ideas, would love to update my PA school end of rotation study guides, which I’ve learned are pretty popular amongst PA students / is my way of giving back given I felt so, so supported by my amazing community during PA school. I’d also love to clean out my closet, do a thorough home clean/organize, and update my smart phrases in Epic (our electronic medical record).

I just have so many things I want to do and feel so little time to do them!!

(and I don’t even have children??! Like moms - how are you out here doing all of these things and keeping children alive?)

walking home from work on Friday feeling tired, but fulfilled

I think first is admitting to myself that at this very moment in time, I’m..uncomfortable. And when feeling this way, lost in non-presence, it’s so easy to get sucked into the grass is greener allure.

From a birds eye view, I’m entirely content and have everything I ever could have dreamed of. Though in the day to day, I feel enormous discomfort. Because the more distracted I am by my current responsibilities, the more I’m sucked into the comparison game to what others have.

Just typing this aloud, I feel like such a little gerbil, caught in the wheel of thinking what’s next and more and more and more, rather than here and now. In a lot of ways that forward thinking has been somewhat adaptive and successful in my professional life. But it’s also so exhausting.

And at the same time, does any of this really matter? Not really?

There are some things that are important, though in reality, I’m just one silly little person on this planet in this massive galaxy. After seeing a video about space at the Museum of Science (called Deep Sky), I’m just like wow. My problems are small and it’s okay for it to not be so serious. And the things I’m worried about are largely inconsequential and just stealing away from my present joy.

Leaning fully back into contentment, and intentionally using the word contentment rather than happiness, I think will be helpful. And there were a lot of things that made me feel content this month.

I wrote the majority of this throughout the week and Saturday morning, anticipating I’d be too tired on Sunday to finish it because we had a socially busy weekend. On Saturday, Mike and I got together with my supervising physician and his family, brought the dogs for a walk, and had dinner together. It was incredible to connect outside of clinic, especially because it’s easy to only know stressed out versions of ourselves in clinic. Seeing him with his family and in a new environment provided so much perspective. We talked a little about medicine, though also about entertaining nothings. It was a lovely reminder that even though we’re trauma bonded by patient care, we’re also people with big, full lives and identities outside of medicine. The kids were laughing and screaming over each other and it was absolute chaos, but such joyous chaos (though also a reminder to Mike and I that we are most definitely not ready for kids yet LOL).

We then went to Mike’s friend’s birthday party and were tired at baseline, so thought we’d stay for a few hours. We ended up staying until 2am and had the best time.

And then today (Sunday), we went to my grandparents house for Easter and hung out with them, my parents, my sister, her boyfriend, and my uncle.

A prior version of me would’ve either dreaded a weekend this full, or canceled some of these things to prioritize me time. Some of the embers of burnout linger, and while I do enjoy my own solo time to replenish, I sometimes need to be with others to just be a person entirely outside what I do during the week. In each of these social circumstances, I was barely talking about my life in clinic or on social media. We were all just vibing and being!!!

I wrote more about this concept in this post, but it’s easy for me to think the only way my cup is filled is by spending time alone and reading a book. And don’t get me long, I love reading!! But this weekend was an important reminder that I can be social and have fun, too.

As a couple too, this is important for us. Mike works 100% remote so we spend a lot of time together, and see each other often. We absolutely love to nest and be slugs together at home - to just curl up on the couch with Red and veg. Though seeing Mike in social environments and just how present and patient he is fills me with so much pride and grounded comfort. I love who he is with me, but I also love seeing him in community with others.

When life gets fast and pressured and busy I’m just going to remember hanging out with my colleague’s children and playing a game of “okay I’m going to put this Skittle in your mouth and you have to guess what flavor/color it is.”

That’s the good stuff.

Anyways! It was a month. There were some great weeks, and some not so great weeks. Let’s break down the things that reminded me to lean into mindfulness and full absorption of micro-moments.

Sights

If there’s one thing you get from this newsletter and you’re from the Boston area, it’s to try out the Cambridge Antique Market. It’s 5 floors of pure randomness, but of the best kind. Clothing, art, furniture, posters, jewelry, and trinkets galore. Mike and I went together on a Saturday and on Sunday he was planning when we’d go back. I got a little painting there that’s now hanging right above our couch and I just absolutely adore it.

And then you can stop by Rococo on the way back for the most gorgeous and luscious bouquet you’ve ever laid your eyes on.

In terms of books, I read a few, though none that I was supper jazzed about.

Queen Thereafter by Isabelle Schuler. I thought this was overall really good. It’s a fictional tale about Lady Macbeth’s coming of age story.

I also read The Wishing Game by Meg Shaffer, which I found quite disturbing. It got ridiculously high ratings and reviews, even nominated for best book of the year. Essentially a woman working as a teaching assistant that promises a recently orphaned student that she plans to adopt him. Though she’s financially unstable, and has a lot of her own unresolved trauma to unpack. I found their relationship weird and kind of inappropriate idk.

I just picked up What You are Looking for is in the Library and Tress of the Emerald Sea - excited about both! I’ve started What You are Looking for is in the Library and it is such a delight. There are so many pages I’m taking photos of to save for rainy days. And I 100% plan to purchase it after returning this copy to the library.

And on hold, I have: Big Swiss, The Rachel Incident, The Covenant of Water and Good Material. I’ve heard great things about all, and I’m particularly excited about Dolly Alderton’s new work. I’ve read Everything I Know about Love and Ghosts and loved both.

Sounds

I can’t get the theme song of a show Mike and I just watched out of my head. I haven’t been that head over heels hooked on a show in such a long time. It’s called Drops of God on Apple TV and WOW. It’s about a famous wine connoisseur who has the most expensive wine collection in the world. He dies and sets up a competition for his estranged daughter and protege to face each other and compete for the wine collection (valued at something insane like 120 million dollars). It truly was riveting and I’m recommending it everyone.

I also recently watched the music video for It’s All Coming Back to Me by Celine Dion. Incredible. No notes.

Feels

This weekend Mike and I went for a dog walk and then had dinner at my supervising physicians’ house. The work environment can absolutely bring out the worst in people, always overstimulated and overwhelmed, and hanging out outside of work is sometimes hard to plan, especially since he has 3 kids. But we did and it was wonderful.

He is the kindest, most compassionate, and silly mentor I’ve ever had. And getting to know his equally hilarious, warm, and whip-smart wife was just so fun. Getting to know his family outside of clinic confirms that even though work is hard, I really am exactly where I’m supposed to be, meeting my people and growing roots.

Smells

I got this new candle back in the Fall, but just decided to light her up recently. It’s called Olive Tree and really does put me in the spring spirit. It’s bright and airy, though also grounding and earthy. And I just love that the slogan for the company is “formulated for daily pleasure.” Isn’t that just such a treat?!

I may start incorporating that into my day to day vernacular.

“How are you today, Katie?”

“Oh, I’m formulated for daily pleasure. You?”

Stunning.

I also was wafting this candle at our friends this weekend, and it was divine. Very reminiscent of Keap BK’s Wood Cabin candle, which I love. Oh and Red’s dog shampoo. It’s the Dedcool pet shampoo in the fragrance Taunt, and is just so sniffably good (I wear the same perfume LOL).

Tastes

Mike and I tried Prima in Charlestown for the fist time last weekend. We went to brunch and I saw not one but two people I knew - someone from high school and someone from college. It was so random and fun and felt like kismet. We went with the meatballs and the pizette and they were fabulous. We also got the eggs carbonara and they were fine but nothing crazy. Overall, good. Though the hype this restaurant has gotten is absurd. Like on every single Boston list imaginable! Again - a solid choice, though wouldn’t say mind-blowingly spectacular.

We also went to Brewer’s Fork in Charlestown and while we typically are die-hard pizza fans from here, we went with the burger and it was sensational. Like wow. I was absolutely shocked - that good.

And just today we stopped by Mama Ana in Charlestown and both got breakfast burritos and orange juice. Absolutely perfect combo when you only got 5 hours of sleep, but the sun is shining and you’re plopped on a park bench having a slow and easy morning.

Anyways, next Friday is my birthday and I’m turning 32!! Feeling pretty neutral about it if we’re being honest. But it’s a thing that’s happening!

We also just finalized plans for a trip to Denver in July to see one of my favorite bands (Lake Street Dive). If you have any Denver recommendations, please lmk!

So very grateful for this little corner of the internet. Thank you for being here and reading my very human, very messy stream of consciousness.

Warmly (finally!!! the sun is out!!! we just got back from a walk and are about to curl up and watch a movie!!!!),

Katie