June Recap
and everything in between
Is anyone else still sifting through the trauma of ‘popcorn’ reading in elementary school? Where one person would read a paragraph and then choose someone else at random to read the next? So you couldn’t even pretend practice what you thought your sentence or paragraph would be because you never knew when your turn would be up??
It was absolute chaos, and that’s the theme of this week’s newsletter.
Just a bunch of random thoughts strewn together - things that have been popping and percolating around without much connection.
June recap:
This was one of the most lovely months of (dare I say) my life. Hyperbolic? Perhaps. Though feels so true. I was at the cape for a weekend. I went to St Barth’s for a friend’s wedding. It all felt so big and so LIVING. And then I came home and felt the semblance of my patterns (read: my own bullshit) return.
(still dreaming about this pasta and lobstah on the beach in St. Barth’s)
Last week, for example, I was covering for multiple different providers (my supervising physician is on maternity leave and there were a few others out), meaning the inbox coverage was much heavier. The past two weeks I took Tuesday off just to work through inbox coverage the entire time.
During these weeks I am historically on edge with the added work. And I fell right back into that pattern.
I always, always, always prioritize my PA work over anything else. It is so important and meaningful to me, AND, unfortunately, it’s an impossible amount of work to do. Theoretically I feel like I could always be trying to manage the inbox work and there’d always be something new coming in; it’s endless. This work does not feel like direct patient care, which is lovely, relationship building, and fulfilling. And I’m tired of this pattern of panic during these weeks where I have more work.
Because by getting stuck in the inbox, I don’t prioritize the other things that fill me up - creating on social, going to a dance class, seeing loved ones, writing, going for walks, etc. This past week when the work was endless, I didn’t make time for the things that replenish me, and I could feel myself getting physically uncomfortable. I was shorter tempered, not sleeping as well, and felt this weight on my chest.
This is the reality of a lot of jobs in healthcare. This constant feeling that you’re never doing enough. And making sacrifices for the sake of your own wellbeing. This pressure.
The newsletter has been abundantly helpful, as most journals are, to recognize where the patterns are - where I’m repeating the things that are making life sticky. And I’ve been able to recognize a lot of my own patterns, specifically trying to do it all and taking on too much.
I absolutely cannot do it all. And taking time away in June has me allowed a nice reflection on how the first half of the year has gone. And has me so excited to drop my hours, which started….YESTERDAY!
I worked full time as a PA for 3 years. I know this feels like an incredibly short amount of time for many, though I have to shift my hours in order to feel like this work can be sustained.
So I’m dropping to 24 forward facing patients hours (which will probably still equate to ~35-40 hours of work per week total with all of the admin work).
Here’s an idea of what my work schedule will now look like:
Monday working clinically from 9-6pm (I usually squeeze some admin time in from 8-9, work through lunch, and do more admin 6-7)
Tuesday: admin 8-9, televisits 9-10am, admin 10-12, nutrition internship 1-6
Wednesday: Portuguese lesson 7-8am, televisits 8-3, group visit 5-7
Thursday: admin time 8-12, freelancing for a cool GI tech start-up 1-6
Friday: working clinically 8-5pm
weekends: social media work / prep content for the week / newsletter writing
Do I think this is healthy? Not really, but certainly more sustainable than what it was when working more patient hours.
(live footage of *hopefully* having more time to stop and smell the roses with this schedule change)
SoftSeventy Recap
When I started this newsletter, it was with the purpose of re-finding happiness within healthcare. I started with something called #soft70 - 70 days to build that habit. We’re about 60 into those 70 days, and I am really uncovering some stuff.
I haven’t quite stepped into action, though I’m far past the contemplative stage of change. I really needed this newsletter to come face to face with so many self-limiting beliefs that are holding me back. And not holding me back from making more career goals, but from actually being in my body and present in my life, rather than someone whose entire personality revolves around work.
Though I would be absolutely lying if I said I hit my target of my initial goal. And that is completely okay. I’ve been over here un-peeling the layers of burnout: sifting through rage, making eye contact with imposter ‘syndrome’, and dancing with distraction. It is only through this multi-layered approach that I was able to actually understand the dynamicism of burnout. So often it feels like the ‘solution’ to burnout is just take time off! Or drop your hours! And certainly yes that’s a part of it.
But it’s so much bigger. Some of it has to do with my individual reaction to a lot of what’s happening at work. And some of it is so much bigger than me, and requires a systems based approach.
To be honest, I’ll probably start over in a few weeks, now feeling like I’ve unpacked a lot of what I’ve witnessed, experienced, and held over the last 3 years. It’s *so* complicated.
This timeline has interestingly co-incided with 2023 now being half full. Half of the year remains. It’s led to some wonderful realizations and new intention setting:
realization: the weeks I feel the lousiest are usually the ones I’m on my phone the most
intention: keep my social media restrictions!
realization: I can try something new and be so fucking bad at it and that’s perfectly okay. how absolutely boring would life be if I didn’t have the courage to get out there and try something new for the sole purpose of fun
intention: i’d love to start taking hip hop classes just because LOL
realization: making a strawberry cake, something homemade with my own two hands, is always a good idea
intention: I would love to learn how to make more things from scratch like breads and cakes
realization: the inbox is always going to be there and I have to detach from the idea of getting everything done. it’s impossible. shifting away from that and into making time for things that will enrich my career in WAY larger ways will benefit me and patients not just in that week, but for years to come. THIS is where the growth lies, despite feeling trapped by inbox work sometimes
intention: continue taking language lessons, starting this new nutrition internship, finishing my intuitive eating counselor certification
realization: not every moment is monumental but the small things add up to the big things. celebrate every little stupid, silly thing. this is my 9th newsletter and I’M SO PROUD OF THAT! I had such a mental block to get my thoughts down on e-paper, and it’s allowed for such rich conversation with others.
intention: keep writing!
realization: the negative thoughts and horrifically loud self-criticism helps no one and holds me back. when these come, as they do, I try to respond as I would to a friend or child. my mom brought out home videos ~5-10 years ago, and I remember seeing a home video of me just playing. So free, making up songs, making up stories. And when I get so hard on myself, I think about what I’d say to that person. If you don’t have these memories or videos, it can be anything or anyone that you view with compassion.
intention: daily reminders and practices of self-compassion
(the strawberry cake in question)
Conversations with Friends
“we’re all just specks”: I have a friend who’s a psychologist at the VA and we were chatting generally about the state of healthcare and feeling equal parts passion/purpose/fulfillment though also burnout/the tendency to drift towards existential dread on an hourly basis. When talking about the high responsibility/low control of the job, she noted, “we are a literal speck in a world of billions - we can make a difference but we don’t have to hold ourselves accountable to it all.” How freeing!! Loved this take.
growing roots vs the relentless pursuit of ascension. I’m currently reading Life is in the Transitions by Bruce Feiler and he makes this lovely point about growing down rather than always trying to get to the next thing (ie, ascension). I feel this way so strongly about my job and the things that bring me purpose. I started talking about it with a co-worker and just feel so lucky to know and have relationships and community with the people and patients I work with. I love putting energy into that rather than always thinking about the next thing or move.
Sunday scaries
I don’t feel an enormous amount of Sunday scaries on a regular basis, and when I do it’s usually a product of a week that was overstimulating and/or over-scheduled. This last week included a ton of extra coverage for some co-workers in addition to quick turnaround times for exciting new blog projects. So the time that I would normally spend getting back to baseline during the week was spent working. Hence by the weekend, I didn’t feel like I was able to really fill back up.
Here are some things that sometimes help:
unconditional permission to relax (read, watch a show, zone out) without guilt. Oftentimes I’ll sit down the watch a show and I’m so consumed with guilt that I ‘should’ be doing something else that I barely end up watching any of it, which completely interferes with relaxation time. I also phoned a friend and asked what our favorite stress relief shows are. They’re compiled in this document.
curl up with Red on the couch
return to essentials: drink water, wear comfy clothing, go for a walk, breathe deep, nourishing meals
go outside
listen to my favorite album all the way through. I rarely do this but I just feel like an album start to finish in chronological order really tells a story. My current favorite is “An Awesome Wave” by Alt-J. This was one of my favorites in college and I recently returned to it. Incredible.
plan little moments of surprise and splendor for the upcoming week that are entirely unrelated to work. This week, I plan to go see a co-worker’s daughter perform with her band, and just booked a dinner reservation with friends on Friday!
remind myself how lucky I am to get to work with amazing people and patients and feel such a calling in my work. That is an absolute blessing, despite how tiring and heavy it can feel on some days.
(cuddling w Red)
And I think that’s it!!
Thanks for popping in.
Happily,
Katie