February finds

recap of a short month

When thinking of writing the recap for this month, I had to look at my calendar to recall its happenings and nuances. And that’s the winter dread and drudgery speaking - everything blending together, mostly grey, mostly cold.

Though I saw a little flicker of amber on the horizon earlier this week. And made a mental note / recurring yearly calendar invite in all capital letters to myself of the “END OF FEBRUARY THERE IS LIGHT THERE IS HOPE'“ variety.

Perhaps the most noteworthy occurrence of the month is the conference I went to. It’s called the Integrative Healthcare Symposium and a few big players in the space were there, think: Mark Hyman, Sara Gottfried, Elizabeth Boham, etc.

I caught Elizabeth Bonham out of the corner of my eye in the gym and immediately turned right around, then resembled a weird skulky vulture lurking in her periphery before ultimately chickening out and not saying hello. While in my younger years (~23, living at home, wondering what the actual heck to do with my life), I started researching places that would interest me as a patient. I found the UltraWellness center in the western part of MA, and there was Elizabeth Boham on the screen. She is both an MD and RD, and while I did not take that exact route, I was deeply inspired by her educational path.

And now here I am, 8 years later, a PA with a Master’s in Nutrition doing an internship for the CNS licensure. PA and (almost) CNS instead of MD and RD. I’m really proud of that!!!!

23 year old me would be absolutely awe and star struck by the lecturers at the conference, taking everything mentioned as hard truth. 31 year old me has independent thought and thinks a bit differently from much of what was mentioned.

As someone who works in a community health setting, it was admittedly frustrating to witness the continued bashing of allopathic medicine, without acknowledgment of the bigger systems that make integrative/functional medicine only accessible to a small subset of the population. I’ll plan to do a larger debrief of the conference and why I don’t feel like I really fit in the functional medicine space, though for now, it was a rewarding experience to witness my growth and evolution as a person and practitioner.

And also, I got to go along with the Indigo Wellness Group!! I’ve known Carolyn for a few years now after being introduced by our wonderful mutual friend Lisa. I got to meet the Sarah’s for the first time - Sarah (acupuncturist, co-founder of Indigo, and Carolyn’s sister) and Sarah (RD and gut health extraordinaire). We attended lectures together, went for walks, out to dinner, and it was just, dare I say, fun!

When burnt out for extended periods of time, learning becomes an absolute chore. It’s not only unenjoyable, but no information gets through - an impenetrable brain barrier resistant to any flow of new information, or at least long-term retention of said information. And this worsens burnout symptoms because medicine is changing so rapidly, so you suddenly feel incredibly behind and not up to date on the latest evidence based care.

Only within the last few years do I feel an interest in learning again. I’m not going to say a joy because I think language like that keeps the bifurcation of burnout (joyless vs joyful) alive and well. Though I can say that it was a fun and easeful experience.

Otherwise, life has been pretty steady. The only blip of change is that I’m currently on a plane headed to St. Croix!! I’ll take ‘laying horizontal and rotting by the beach’ for 500 please.

The only downfall of this is we had to leave Red for the trip. Before we left, I had a whole photoshoot with him. I am leaning FULL into being an obsessive dog parent. I say this with equal parts shame and pride. How did I get here???? Before we left I almost cried?? It is full of so much ridiculousness but I can’t help it!!

He’s like a little shadow that follows me around the apartment, my personal weighted blanket, and constant walking companion.

The much bigger downfall is finding it hard to be present and enjoy a vacation when there’s so much global turmoil - reproductive + IVF rights being stripped away in Alabama, trans youth dying, the continued horror and humanitarian crisis in Palestine, the remaining Israeli hostages not released, and 2024 being an election year (amongst many, many other things).

I personally feel the weight, and I see it in a lot of my patient encounters, too.

With work being heavy, and the world feeling heavier, it feels nearly impossible to ever fully recover from burnout. The moment I start to come up for air, it’s like being pulled under again. Or start feeling guilty about how easy life is for me in comparison to others. And those are all entirely normal and valid feelings.

Below are some things that have been (sort of) keeping me afloat.

Sights:

Reads

Books

This month, I read The People we Keep and Amazing Grace Adams. I went into each thinking they’d be uplifting. Good goodness, they are both riddled with grief and trauma. I have to stop deluding myself into thinking that a book ending on an uplifting note negates the grief/trauma heavily punctuated throughout the majority of its chapters.

The People We Keep features a protagonist that is physically abandoned by her mother, emotionally abandoned by her father, and then due to this vulnerability, finds herself in her first ‘adult’ romantic relationship when she is 16 and her partner is 31. While she learns safety in the relationship, she is still…a teenager dating someone nearly twice her age???! And in the end finds herself in the role of motherhood though has not had access to services to help her with a lifetime of trauma and running.

Somewhat similarly, Amazing Grace Adams features a mother absolutely rocked by grief and rage over the loss of a child. The book plays with time in that it’s over the span of a day, though weaves through various different moments of her career and time as a mother. While the family comes to terms with their past by the end, it is the embodiment of anxiety and a rip-roaring, heart-wrenching rage that is dense on its pages.

I’m looking for whimsy!! For fun!!! Why must I always gravitate towards trauma!! Or once you learn more about trauma is it just prevalent and poignant everywhere??? (don’t answer that)

Speaking of trauma, I also finished listening to The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, and I can’t stop talking/thinking about it. This may be as monumental as Stolen Focus by Johann Hari in terms of books that have left an impact. It’s making me want to read and devour everything Gabor Maté has ever written and/or lectured about. Everything I felt was missing in the Integrative Healthcare Symposium - discussions of trauma and how it infiltrates nearly every organ system, notes on how where you live is often more determinant of health than how you live) - I got in this book.

Though if anyone has recommendations similar to The House in the Cerulean Sea (a dopamine high I’ve been chasing ever since reading this book a few years ago), please let me know.

Articles

I recently came across a Pinterest photo of the most stunning kitchen I’d ever seen. After a bit more research, I learned it was the kitchen of Lucy Williams. I immediately subscribed to her newsletter, and voraciously tried to find out everything there was to know about her. I came across this article, from her blog Fashion Me Now. It’s called Thirty Things I’ve Learned at Thirty, and I just loved it, particularly this bit.

“7. You don’t always have to be the best to have the best time. You might be a sloppy cook or a the un-bendiest in yoga but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a great time hosting dinner or going to classes. As a recovering perfectionist, this is one I’ve really battled with over the years as my mood was so often dictated by how ‘good’ I deemed myself to be.”

And on the topic of aging (my birthday is in early April), I read this gorgeous number by Andrea Gibson, leaning in to the gift of health and the privilege of aging.

“A few years ago I wrote a song that included the words, “I saw a photo of you/ I saw the lines on your face/ I made you smile once/ so maybe one of those lines has my name.” Staring into my own ancient eyes, I knew that every wrinkle on my face had the name of someone I loved. I have so many wrinkles, I thought, because I have loved so many people. To me, that is aging WONDERFULLY.”

I’ve also been loving Soul Remedies by Ayanna Nicole, and I found a line from one of her newsletters particularly striking, especially during the colder, darker winter months.

Still, in moments where the light evades me and I don’t have the stamina to seek it out, I will remember that I can generate it from within, too. This year and beyond, I will collect my light in little jars to store for the darker days. And I will share it with everyone, leaving traces of glowing specks everywhere—the soul’s infinite gold—as a reminder of our true essence. 

The recurring theme, finding light in the darkness and the gift of aging, is embodied in one of my favorite creators, Dasia Sade. Everything she makes is chillingly, achingly stunning.

Lectures

One of the lectures at the symposium was hosted by Kenneth Pelletier, MD, PhD, titled Change your Genes - Change your Life: Epigenetics of Longevity. This was my first hearing of him, though apparently he’s a bit of a legend in the integrative medicine space. He was awarded the Lifetime Contribution something something award, and then proceeded to give a lecture about epigenetics.

This man comes waltzing up on stage, and gave a lecture that was mostly comprised of cartoons. When discussing the contributors to longevity, he named a few things that I found refreshing, because it wasn’t the same mud everyone was slinging in the integrative medicine space.

Dr. Pelletier’s longevity bullet points included the following (from his new book Change your Genes, Change your Life):

• mediterranean diet - fish but little or no red meat or poultry

• smoking - non processed tobacco products and no inhalation

• physical activity - daily farming and or fishing, not in a gym

• strong psychosocial bonds - no person is an island, domestic and farm animals

• old age is respected - head of the family and makes major decisions

• sexually active - touching, hugging, and intercourse into 80s and 90s

• no fear of death - disability being a burden is an issue

• alcohol consumption - more than moderate but with meals

• sound/clean/”organic” environment - little to no pollution/toxins

• appropriate primary medical care - includes alternative therapies

• genetic and epigenetic influences - lifestyle and gene interacting

• meditation/prayer/introspection, have a philosophy of life = wisdom

So many of the lectures were a bit puritan - ie, avoid toxins, all organic, no pharmaceuticals, perfect sleep, a daily meditation practice, clean eating, etc.

And this guy got up on stage, showed a few photos of himself drinking pina coladas, and noted that cultures that have longevity are out here drinking and smoking, respecting their elders, and having a good time.

(My only gripe is with the Mediterranean diet. Sure it’s nutrient dense, though there are so many other cultures with nutrient dense diets. It seems the Mediterranean is the standard, though this is food (mostly) representative of white cultures, and therefore often studied the most. There are so many other cultures with equally delicious and nutrient dense foods.)

Sounds:

I made a playlist for you!!!! A very weird accumulation of songs and sounds with no real theme. From a music standpoint - it be that way sometimes.

I’m pretty proudly still meditating, and lately I’ve been doing the course Doorways to Peace: Healing Practices for Everyday Life by Andy Hobson on Insight Timer. Really enjoying!

Feels:

Do you ever go through phases where you just feel so shit about yourself for prolonged periods of time? Call it February or seasonal depression or biting off just a bit more than I can adequately chew or just a part of perfectionism and personality.

Whenever I start to get a little comfortable or try to rest, I get an absolute lightning bolt of “but wait!! remember you did this thing you’re not proud of decades ago?” Or “you’re a horrible friend!!!” Or even “what if you missed this big diagnosis in a patient” - all entirely out of the blue.

As I talked about in this post, I was diagnosed with OCD in elementary school, and my particular flavor of anxiety tends to be of the intrusive thought variety. I think it blends with 50 shades of perfectionism and will always be my recurring therapy theme. But (wo)man is it intense sometimes. I don’t have any answers because sometimes I need to step out of action/provider/make everything better mode, and instead just wade through the waves of woe.

It’s usually the (not so gentle) call that I’m doing too much, and I have to lean into undoing rather than more doing. Rather than shying away from it, I’m trying to incorporate a phrase that is often said in the above meditation course on Insight Timer.

“Go to your edges, and soften.” Bring softness to the edges, he continues to say. Sit and soften.

It’s not a perfect system but again, I’m not ever going to try to pretend that I have it all together or figured out. This newsletter is the embodiment of messiness, things I’m working on/through.

So that’s on that!

Tastes:

• June Bug in Somerville!!! I went with my coworker and it’s such an important reminder to see work friends outside of work when working in a stressful environment. Sometimes I feel like my job brings out the absolute worst in me because it’s so high pressure/responsibility, low control. And the ambiance of June Bug was the perfect invitation to unwind. If you’re into the vibe at Field and Vine and Dear Annie Bar, you will adore June Bug. I mean…the name alone?! Love it. We got the blue fin tuna crudo, kitchen sink salad, like a pepperoni pizza, 50 degrees in January pizza, and apple crisp with brown sugar focaccia ice cream (!!). Whenever a restaurant has descriptions on the menu like “lots of onions”, I fall instantly in love. They also had great mocktail options! I had the Ghia ginger, and it was perfect.

• Main St Pasta and Wine in Charlestown. Mike and I were supposed to go to Gufo in Cambridge for Valentine’s Day, and then the day came and it was dreary and I didn’t really want to get dressed up and leave the house. So instead I strolled into Main St. Market in Charlestown for the first time. They have homemade pastas and artisanal sauces and the folks in there are just so lovely. It feels like such a home grown mom and pop shop, and if you’re in the mood for an easy homemade pasta, I can’t shout this from the rooftops louder. We went with the cresto di Gallo, a local pasta sauce, homemade pesto, and meatballs. They have a ton of wine in there, too!

Smells:

I kid you not I’m staring out the plane window thinking about Red (LOL). When I got home from NYC last weekend, Mike cleaned the apartment and gave Red a bath. We have the Dedcool Taunt dog shampoo (full disclosure, this was gifted to me by them, though I only got on their PR list because I’ve been raving about the Taunt human perfume for a few years now, of which was not gifted or sponsored), and the smell is just divine. He smelled so, so good and I wish I could just bury my face in his fur right now!! Luckily Mike’s sister is dog sitting and sends us ~20 photos an hour.

We also randomly decided that we wanted to become fancy soap people (how obvious that this is a winter decision, made from cold and despair). We went with the Aesop hand wash. Mike took one sniff and said it reminded him of Yellow Gatorade (*womp*). So the quest for a good soap continues. Please lmk if you have one you love. A good hand soap feels like such a luxury, especially after a long day of hand sanitizer.

Okay! Off to go enjoy a few more days in the sun!

Take such good care,

Katie