hi from Ireland!
this month's musings and May in review
I absolutely meant for this to go out yesterday. But that would require me to have written it, so I should rephrase. I absolutely meant to write this earlier than the day after it was meant to be sent out.
The reason for the delay is a good one though. A fully justified and luscious excuse.
I’m currently in Ireland!!! This trip has been about a year in the making. My aunt and uncle are getting married, and it’s a whole family affair. They’ve been together for over a decade, and now that all of their kids are grown and done with college, they’re throwing a kick ass party, which just happens to be their wedding. 50 of their closes friends and family, over half of which is my family. We’re in a castle about an hour south of Dublin, and naturally it’s timed with me just finishing the first episode release of Bridgerton season 3.
It’s stunning in every way.
Luscious and well tended greens, fireplaces tucked in every corner, Guinness freely flowing, and a tea time yesterday to kick off the festivities. After tea time, following a blissful nap, we went to a local bar and just hung out for a few hours. Then returned to the cozy castle where me, Mike, my parents, uncle, sister, and sister’s friend (who’s basically a family member) played Code Games with instrumental Taylor Swift playing in the background.
Truly, indescribably perfect.
(Side note: perhaps what is most perfect is the goody bags for the wedding. Ibuprofen, Tums, shortbread cookies, gum, Purell, Alka Seltzer, a personalized Guinness glass, and a homemade t-shirt. Again - truly, indescribably perfect.)
This sentiment couldn’t be more opposite to how I was feeling over the last few weeks.
I had my own personal bout of severe health anxiety, which is atypical for me. Trust me, I have many flavors of anxiety, though health anxiety isn’t standard in the line up. I found a hard and solitary lymph node and absolutely freaked out. Like jolting awake in the middle of the night, can’t focus, spontaneously crying type of freak out. Turns out, everything is entirely fine, but I felt helpless. An unraveling that I had no control over.
And in that moment, I found my job unpalatable. Going to work every day was dreadful; I nearly couldn’t tolerate it. If I hadn’t already used up all of my PTO, I probably would’ve called out. Though given I just finally finished making up my PTO on Thursday, having to make up more was equally insufferable to think about.
Now being on vacation, without a worry in the world, and having made up all of the PTO I went over on, I feel grounded and settled.
Though even just yesterday, jetlagged and spent and burnt out, I surprised myself when my reply to my aunt noting my cousin was considering PA school was, “maybe she should reconsider.”
If I’m being truthful, I’ve really hated my job the last few weeks. I love the people and love the patients, but regardless of the amount of self care and time off and dropping of hours, the system is just a hellscape.
As much as I’ve tried to uplift and reshape life outside of work - changing my attitude, not attaching to suffering, and managing my rage, distraction, and overwhelm - I’ve had a sad realization that maybe it’s not enough. Maybe I’ll always feel like this. Maybe I can love my patients and coworkers but the system is too fractured to repair to a point of tolerability.
(Or maybe I’m just still burnt out and a bit jet lagged at this exact moment in time.)
I think this change of environment for the next few weeks will be essential. Interestingly, getting here, the weather was shit. Raining, dreary, cold. Though amidst the background of a castle in a different country and surrounded by loved ones, I found it charming and romantic.
I parrot this sentiment to patients nearly constantly, in that maybe it’s not a personal fault or failing, but a product of the environment. And yet it has been increasingly more difficult for me to really believe that.
It hasn’t been all doom and gloom, though.
This month outside of work, I’ve had some lovely sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and feels.
Let’s get into it!!
Sights
Not to state the obvious, but the Irish countryside is just indescribably stunning. Last night we went to a local pub, and despite the sleep deprivation, it was quintessentially cute and quaint.
The pub was packed for a Sunday night. There was a local band and everyone was having a time. The only Sunday scary inducing event was likely the 50+ Americans that walked into their local bar (we had a private room so we didn’t disturb anyone!). Certainly quite different than how I spend a typical Sunday evening.
I also did some great reading this month.
For fun, and part of Quench book club, I read Just for the Summer by Abby Jimenez. Absolutely loved, especially because it was clear the author did research into trauma, and the main characters were emotionally sound and intuitive. The older I get (and more therapy I do), the harder it is to read books with problematic main characters.
“But if they just communicated, this issue wouldn’t be an issue!!!” I’m often screaming at tv shows and novels.
(If they just communicated, there likely wouldn’t be enough drama for a plot.)
But it was a quick and easy read, nothing overly arduous or heavy. Big recommendation for a summer beach read.
For something a little more dense, I read (and LOVED) Big Swiss by Jen Beagin. It was wry and funny and clever and gripping. It somewhat reminded me of Sorrow and Bliss by Meg Mason, another favorite. Not so much in story line or plot, but in writing style.
The last book I read is called This Time Tomorrow by Emma Straub. For me, this was like a better version of The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. Everyone seemed smitten with that book, but I wasn’t taken with it. I much preferred This Time Tomorrow, and would recommend it!
Sounds
This month, I listened to What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo.
Oh wow, do I think this should be required reading (or listening) for folks in healthcare.
The longer I work, the more I think most of patient’s diagnoses are rooted in chronic stress.
And much more than that, how many diagnoses are incompletely understood as a result of either stress or trauma. And most especially complex trauma.
The author narrates the book, and in it, she includes some of the recordings from her therapy sessions. It is chillingly beautiful to hear the real time conversations, and I will be purchasing this one to reference again and again.
Tastes
I crossed off a few Boston summer bucket list items this month, especially in the culinary department.
Mike and I went to Gufo, which is a restaurant I’ve really been wanting to try in Cambridge. It’s from the team behind SRV, Baleia, and The Salty Pig, so I felt pretty confident it wouldn’t disappoint. And it surely did not.
We also did an AirBnb experience with EBO & Co Grocery, which is a super cool little spot in East Boston. We shucked oysters and ate potato chips, all while gazing at the Boston skyline. I’m not sure when their next event is, but follow them on IG to keep up to date. They have a sister company that plans fun events!
After oyster shucking, we went to Mida, which is also in East Boston. I’ve been to the one in the South End, but the East Boston location is supreme. We caught the sunset while twirling pasta. Sublime.
And speaking of Mida, my sister’s friend has the Sapphire Reserve card, which got us into the airport lounge before our flight on Saturday. The food in there was unbelievable, probably because the recipes are crafted by Douglass Williams (head chef and owner of Mida).
Smells
Sometime last year I got hyper-fixated on finding a signature scent and went down a rabbit hole of different perfumes. I ultimately settled on: Gypsy Water by Byredo, Taunt by DedCool, Stag by The Maker, and Salt by Ellis Brooklyn.
After smelling Lavande 31 by Le Labo, I may just have another in the line up. It’s not a typical lavender, though is reminiscent of the classic scent. It has a little lavender, but also bergamot and neroli which adds grounding richness. I just went with the super small travel size for now, though may end up purchasing the larger size.
Feels
It was a month of high highs and low lows. Two very dear friends had deaths of family members, and my good friend had a baby. I had a random health issue, and I’m now on a two week long vacation. Work was insufferable, and Mike and I got an offer accepted on a condo (!!).
((just gonna bury that in here at the end because it’s still so new and the process is so time consuming and weird and I hope it all works out but we have a few more steps before it feels more real))
Anyways! In honor of this two week vacation, and because June has five Sundays, I’ll be taking next week off from newsletter posting. You’ll continue getting the four promised monthly musings; I just don’t have it in me for anything extra right now. And instead of pushing through, I’m honoring that!
Off to go take a promenade around the grounds. Have a wonderful week!
Warmly (but actually more foggily right now - literally and metaphorically),
Katie