Having a hard time with Soft 70

Soft 70 recap and May favorites

Therapy has been fucking brutal lately. Just me?

One of the more aggressive ways to start a newsletter, sure, but hear me out.

I didn’t think it would be SO hard to lean into softness and self-compassion. The initial few weeks of soft seventy were pretty seamless. The first was when I was on vacation, and the second was during a really challenging work week. I was pretty decent at naming things that were going well and things I was grateful for when 1. things were already going well and 2. I was too busy to really unpack the stress and busyness of clinic life.

That work week (a doozy if you recall the newsletter from a few weeks ago) threw me into an absolute onslaught of self-loathing for the last few weeks. EVEN THOUGH I was diligent with soft 70 tasks during that week, the come down was inescapable and (wo)man was it intense.

I tend to be pretty hard on myself in many ways, and honestly it’s served me quite well. I did decent in school, I’ve collected a few accolades through Master’s degrees, and have grown a social media business in my spare time. Though I’ve kept myself so busy that I’ve avoided doing any deep identity work. Or just when I thought I was getting there, I’d throw something else on my to do list and fully immerse myself in it.

It’s kind of a catch 22 because I genuinely love all aspects of my work, and thereby my identity has been wrapped up in it - both as a clinician and as a content creator.

Because so much of my vocation is tied up in identity, it has taught me that when things don't go as planned, it’s a comment on who I am as a person, rather than just a bad day or uncontrollable outcome. I continue to be really hard on myself and use busyness, productivity and perfectionism as scapegoats that my identity has been entirely wrapped up in for some time.

(@jnaydaily shared this on her Instagram recently - LOVE her account, big recommend)

Through soft 70, I’ve noticed I feel great practicing compassion for others, and I feel absolutely awful and big time yuck.com practicing it towards myself. It feels so cringe, gross, and performative. And because it feels performative, it’s incited some other questions and areas in my life that at times have also felt like acting - ie imposter syndrome at work and social media in general. Even though I try to be as honest as possible on social media, it’s still most definitely not real life, as no social media account is.

And so oddly, for the past few weeks, making continued acts towards kindness has almost had the reverse effect - I’ve sunk a bit lower into self loathing.

What may have prompted some of this was learning about enneagrams. This is a system to better understand personality, motivations, fears, and internal dynamics. A co-worker suggested it to me and I thought it aligned pretty well with what I was aiming to do in this newsletter. I listened to the book they gave to me, and then did a really deep dive, paying for enneagram tests online (lol) and listening to enneagram podcasts.

This deep dive came after a trying week at work. Because I was in a negative headspace, I realized I was only relating to each of the negative things about each type. I genuinely couldn’t name or resonate with any of the positive aspects of any type and I got into such a horrible spiral of self-loathing.

The problem with this spiral is that if I feel some semblance of things not going well or not doing something perfectly, I immediately derail and bring up other times I’ve felt guilt or shame about an action, or other things I really dislike about myself. It’s exhausting.

In the past, I would either just avoid/repress or fill my schedule with other things to distract. But I’m turning towards the feeling this time - talking about it, crying in therapy, and writing about it. And if this stuff (softness, stillness, self-compassion) doesn’t come easy to you either, please know you are absolutely not alone.

(a picture I love that reminds me to be still)

Similar to any mindfulness practice, it takes…practice! And I didn’t expect this to be easy. In fact it’s really arduous and effortful and quite painful at times.

What has been helpful this week is challenging myself to draw away from a fixed mentality mindset and lean more towards a growth mentality.

A quick google search sums this up nicely. “Someone with a growth mindset views intelligence, abilities, and talents as learnable and capable of improvement through effort. On the other hand, someone with a fixed mindset views those same traits as inherently stable and unchangeable over time.”

Growing up, I was very accustomed to praise for things/achievements rather than the process. And so this is a monumental (and messy) shift for me - to be process driven rather than outcome driven. Truly every moment of my life has been goal oriented - getting my Master’s, finishing PA school, getting a job as PA, continuing my social media/blog business.

And now I have these things. I’m so genuinely thrilled with where my life is right now. Which is why I also feel this weird void because again my entire mindset has always been on the finished product and the finish line, rather than the in between journey.

The episodes ‘How to Adopt a Growth Mindset’ on The Happiness Lab podcast and How to Build Empathy on A Slight Change of Plans podcast were really insightful. Especially because in my last therapy session, after circling the drain with the SAME theme I’ve been talking about for the last 2.5 years, I got really close to the fear that I’ll never be able to change. And that I’ll never be able to blend how I feel sometimes (compassionate, warm, introspective, thoughtful) with how I feel at other times (neurotic, performative, narcissistic, self-loathing).

I also love the idea of using a different voice/tone when these sharp stabs of negativity present (mentioned in ‘Reconnect to the Moment’ and ‘Stepping Off the Path to Anxiety’ on The Happiness Lab podcast). Talking to myself as a child or a friend, ie ‘there, there it’s okay you don’t have to connect to that thought right now’ or ‘alright don't lean into this fuckery, you silly spaghetti head’. This has actually been helpful.

So that’s that! Soft 70 was forged in direct opposition to 75 hard and yet it has been…really hard.

*Sigh*. And so we continue on - trying, failing, trying, failing, loving, loathing, critiquing, compassioning, etc etc etc.

Though it hasn’t been all stickiness. In fact, there’s been some real joy and pleasure.

(this watermelon plate, for example)

Here are some things I’ve loved during the month of May

• The Happiness Lab podcast. I feel like I mention episodes from this on a weekly basis. It is so soothing and like a warm hug to the ears. I created a little playlist including my favorite episodes thus far.

• My perfume collection. Ever since starting this journey, I have leaned way more into experiencing the senses deeply. Oddly, I never wear these to work because so many folks (myself included) are scentsitive. A spritz before bed feels so incredibly luxurious and romantic.

  • Taunt by DedCool - a little bit vanilla, a lit bit floral. So warm and like spring in a bottle - if unthawing were a scent. Top notes of bergamot and fresh dew, middle notes of floral and cassis and bottom notes of vanilla and amber. I was staunchly anti-vanilla until I met this scent.

  • Stag by The Maker - if I’m going with the season theme, this is Fall for me. It’s so cozy and grounding and the more I smell it the more I love it. Key notes of sandalwood, palo Santo, and leather. Think: bonfire crackling, warm mug of tea, crisp air, crunchy leaves.

  • Salt by Ellis Brooklyn - hello summer. Top notes of ylang ylang and violet, middle notes of Tahitian tiara and magnolias, and dry notes of musk and sandalwood. It’s floral though not super feminine due to grounding notes of musk and sandalwood. Reminds me of sand, salt air and a warm breeze.

  • Flooid by Non Gender Specific - this is much stronger than something I would traditionally navigate to, but it’s so alluring. I originally got it thinking I’d have my boyfriend wear it, but then I liked it so much I kept it for myself. It’s equal parts citrus, floral, and musk/patchouli. Oh how I adore it. Top notes: orange, grapefruit and bergamot. Mid notes: amber, lavender, patchouli. Base notes: vetiver, musk, fresh moss.

• Books - I’m back to feverishly reading. These past few months, I’ve read:

  • Lessons in Chemistry (5/5): OH OH OH I loved this book. So very much. I went in cautiously given how hyped it was and I happily fell into the category of believing the hype.

  • Tuesday Murder Club (5/5): This was such a feel-good page turner. I was sad when getting to the end, though then very happy to learn it’s now a series. Looking forward to books two and three.

  • The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches (4/5): My favorite show growing up was Sabrina the Teenage Witch so anything remotely witchy or magical, I’m on board. This was a classic love story with a happy ending and it was a pleasure all the way through.

  • Wrong Place, Wrong Time (4/5): A mystery with a cool concept. A mother witnesses her son murder someone and then wakes up and it’s the day before. Each day she wakes is another day in the past, leading up to the motive of the murder. Read this one quite quickly and it got me out of a reading rut!

  • Small Things Like These (3/5): Short and sweet with an impactful and poignant theme. Poor rating because I read it when I was in a dark place and while the ending is pleasant, it’s historical fiction of a heavy theme. Beautiful writing and important work.

  • Sea of Tranquility (3/5): This got such high ratings and while I was fascinated with the plot and thought the writing was magnificent, I found the ending to be so irritating. Will leave it at that to avoid any spoilers.

  • I Have Some Questions for You (2/5): Ugh pains me to write this because I absolutely loved The Great Believers (another book by the same author). I just could not get through this one. It was a 400 page book that I thought could have been half that (at most).

• Hanging out with my grandparents. They came down the cape when I was there last weekend and wow I just love being around them. I was just sipping wine and chatting about life with my grandfather for hours on end and I left each conversation feeling so fulfilled. Being present with them is truly such a gift and I am bursting with love, adoration and gratitude that I get to spend such meaningful time with them.

• This new bathing suit I got from YouSwim in color Aster. It is so vibrant, breathable, stretchable, lovable, wonderful. I own about four YouSwim’s and I can confidently say they’re my favorite bathing suit brand.

• This mini interview I did with my dad. It took a lot of convincing but wow do I love this. He’s been an emergency medicine physician for over 35 years and I’m so lucky I get to digest a lot of what I see/do at work with him. I absolutely cherish our conversations.

• Watching Red run on the beach. He has a massive and morbid fear of water (he’s a rescue so who knows the history there) and last summer he would bolt in the other direction when getting even 10 feet near the ocean. And this year we walked on the beach and he got forearm deep in the water!!! Did he gulp the water and then have massive diarrhea in my parents kitchen shortly thereafter? You bet. BUT PROGRESS, PEOPLE!

Anyways! I’m going to St. Barth’s this week for a friend’s wedding. ST BARTH’S!!!!!!!!! It was such a last minute, spur of the moment decision/invite, and I just can’t believe it’s happening. Number of exclamation points in direct correlation to amount of excitement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happily :)

Katie